A Personal Letter

Dear Me,
       
            You’ve been struggling recently but not wanting anyone to know. You’ve not even wanted yourself to know, really, have you? Late last year you felt so strong, and sturdy, and happy and couldn’t imagine things would dip so fast.
            Your new job gives you time off that you spend watching YouTube. You feel inspired by the members of the Banging Book Club and other friends, so decide to delve into the creative part of yourself that’s been shut down for a few years now. You feel a pull towards the style of words said by Dottie James – but when did you last write poetry? Lucy Moon makes you want to sing like her – but remember why you deleted your voice from the internet the first time. You’ve started playing with Photoshop – why? To prove what, to who? Your desire to create comes from a confused place. You want to do it because you want to have something. You want to invite people, to impress and excite them. Really, you crave attention. I’d probably say that you 80% want to be part of a creative community and 20% actually want to be creative.
           And you’re putting so much pressure on yourself, which you know you’re very prone to doing. Chill the fuck out. You don’t need to read that book by next Tuesday, you don’t need to blog every Thursday, you don’t have to watch every single video by your favourite YouTuber just so you can say you did. Pushing yourself is ok, but it’s not the only thing. You crave structure in your life. You miss working 8-5 Monday to Friday and having weekends off. Now your hours are all over the place and you’re working with a variety of very different people for very different periods of time and you’re having trouble adjusting and coping with it. No matter how often you tell yourself that it is ok to feel the way you feel, you can’t believe it. Yes, ok, you’ve understood in the past, but right now you can’t – for some reason.
           Remember you can go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. You don’t need to run to gain the approval of someone who’s not even watching the race. No-one even knows the race is happening except you. And you’re the only one in it. Make your friends and find your hobbies. Just don’t lose yourself.
           Yours faithfully, loyally, and literally,