Creating Yourself

 

This blog post is one of those deep, random thoughts I had on the bus this morning. I’m going to talk today – unapologetically – about failure.

I’ve always been a high achiever. I was in the top set for English and Science in secondary school, and second set for Maths. In college I went through a lot of stuff mental health-wise and didn’t do as well as I would’ve liked, but when university came around I was acing it from day one. A lot of my success was down to being well organised, revising for hours on end, eating lots of brain food (tuna sandwiches), and reading criticism until I felt like my brain was going to fall out of my skull.

But I’m also terrified of failure. Not the actual losing or coming last, but the emotional stresses that go with it. As a teenager, failing meant being laughed at, or looking stupid. I was extremely worried about being judged, bullied, humiliated. And it meant that I was uncomfortable a lot of the time. Most of the time. I would plan what to wear to college every night before I went to bed, right down to socks and pants. I would think that I couldn’t wear certain shoes because only certain types of people were allowed to wear those certain types of shoes and that certain type of person certainly wasn’t me. I would read books that other people had recommended to me because it meant I would be more well-read and therefore better company for those people. I fancied Channing Tatum and Nick Jonas because everyone else did. I pretended I cared about parties and drinking and smoking and skinny jeans, and I just didn’t. I thought that was who I was meant to be, but the entirety of my teenage years just felt wrong. In reality, I was a chunky 15/16-year-old girl who wore straight leg jeans with tummy control, fell in love with Disney Original Movie characters (ie. Wendell from Lemonade Mouth), and continuously wore Christmas colours.

In my adult life though, things are different. The past few years have been a proper learning curve. I mean they’ve been ridiculously hard, but they’ve been real. University happened. A relationship happened. My Nanny passed away. Failure to me now is less about what other people think, and more about what I think of myself. After everything that’s happened recently, I’ve realised that the most important and only thing I could possibly want in this life is to be happy. If you can’t be happy surrounded by the people you love, wearing something you love, doing something you love, and acting however you want while you do all that, then what’s life supposed to be?

Other people do not define you. You define you. And what’s more, is that it’s happening all the time. In every decision you make, every test you pass, every pair of shoes you buy, you’re building you.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw

A Little Trip to London

Hello you lot. So, last weekend I had the pleasure of going to see my pal Jane in London with a couple of my other lovely mates, Hannah and Megan. There was no reason for our visiting. No party, event, or shopping day planned. We hopped on a train for the pure and simple reason that we wanted to see our friend. A few weeks ago we were all feeling a bit pants, so the word was said and off we went.

I took this as my opportunity to try something new. Now, vlogging in the past for me has always meant taking a deliberate trip to Colchester Town centre, filming everything, narrating everything, going in to New Look and trying on everything, then forgetting I’ve got to edit it all and never uploading it. Those which I did manage to upload however, were total shite.

This time around however, I’ve got a bloody decent camera which films in HD. I’ve got months of watching Helen Anderson, Bitsandclips and FunForLouis behind me. I’ve got access to royalty free music websites. And, drumroll please, I’ve got a very basic knowledge of how to use Windows Movie Maker 2.0.

Without further ado, here’s the finished article. Please give it a thumbs up if you enjoyed it, and leave a comment to say hi!

SlideRidin'

This May Bank Holiday I was gutted when I found out I would be working for part of the day. As the weekend progressed, the weather seemed to be getting better and let me (along with every other worker in retail) tell you, there is nothing more disappointing than seeing the sun shining on your way into another shift. Now sunshine is classed as a rarity in England – any weather not rain is a rarity, really – and this Monday it was beautiful. Luckily for me, on Saturday my boyfriend Dan and I signed up to take part in something I think everyone growing up in Colchester has thought about at least once. At some point every person, be they adult or child, has thought these exact words: I bet North Hill would make a bloody great waterslide.

For you lot not in the know, this is North Hill.

 And lo and behold! Us Colchester-goers had our dreams recognised this Bank Holiday when Cancer Research UK set up an event called the SlideRider™, a 250-metre-long waterslide spanning a majority of the length of North Hill. The SlideRider™ went to Brighton in May and is due to visit Bournemouth at a later date this year, so it’s basically travelling the country making dreams come true.

And here she is all up and running! Felt like there were hundreds of people there.

Ok so here are the logistics. It’s £15 to sign up for two goes on the SlideRider™ and once you’ve registered you can set up a JustGiving page to fundraise for the event. Dan and I set a goal to collectively raise £100 two days before, and by Monday we’d managed to hit £125. So that’s not too bad going! Every penny you raise goes to Cancer Research (including your £15 registration fee), and Heart Radio announced on the day that the money made that day would specifically be going towards young people dealing with cancer. Children, teenagers, and young adults are the largest portion of the population suffering with countless different strains of the disease, and as a lot of the people in my life fall into that age group I felt like I could really be making a difference. Recently a friend of mine was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and although her condition means she can easily be treated, it is the repercussions of the surgery and post-op treatment that will hit her the hardest. If I can do my bit to reduce the amount of stress, turmoil, and mental exhaustion associated with cancer, then I will. At the end of the day, life’s a bit rubbish and shit happens. But at least we can try.

Let’s end on a high note! Here's some photos of yours truly taking part...

Insert Blog Post Title Here

Alright, so let’s talk blogging. This isn’t actually my first attempt, and I wish I could say that I’m creating a new blog because my other one was so successful and inspirational. Thing is though, if I said anything like that it would be a total lie. Yes, I’ve had a blog before but let’s be real here – my heart just wasn’t in it. It consisted of six posts: the standard ‘welcome’, a face-of-the-day, an autumn wish list, a Clinique freebie review, a random post about Volkswagens (I know, don’t), and some cross-stitching I did once. Riveting stuff, I know. When I’m the new Zoella I might tease you all with it and label it Exclusive Content.

No but real talk now. This time around, it is going to be different. This time around, I won’t go and buy beauty products because I think it’ll make good reading, or pressure myself to read three books in a week just so I’ve got something to talk about. I won’t buy a tripod to launch my YouTube career or try on four hundred and seventeen nail varnishes just to take photos. Nah, that’s just not my jam nowadays. What I’m going to do this time is prove something to myself. I’m going to prove to myself that I can start and maintain an ongoing project. I’m going to prove to myself that my life is worth writing about and make a conscious effort to do so. I’m going to write for writing’s sake and take thousands of pictures for the same reason.

And I’m going to be reliable. So starting maybe once a month (?) I'm going to sit and write and get something out there. Be it a night out, new moisturiser, nice walk, feminist rant, wish list, book review, or some random deep emotional thought that crossed my mind on the bus to work.

Who knows, I might even discover some kind of seamless way to end a post.