The 3 Monthly Playlist | ONE

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Vitamin E

I’ve got what polite beauty bloggers would call ‘combination skin’ – an oily T-zone and dry skin everywhere else. Except my nose, which is very dry but laden with blackheads. I don’t really know how that works. Anyway I used to use Soap and Glory’s Daily Youth Moisture Lotion (which is smells freaking incredible but is pretty pricey), and then alternate between Soap andGlory’s Face Soap and Clean and Clear’s Blackhead Clearing Daily Scrub. The former was too harsh while the latter wasn’t harsh enough, and honestly they both smelt pretty clinical which I found quite unappealing. Around a year ago, I started going cruelty-free with my makeup and skincare, so decided it was time to establish a new routine with it all. I also had aims to cut down the amount I was spending in this area, and I have one hundred percent found exactly what I was looking for.

Superdrug’s Vitamin E Skincare Range has been mentioned in passing by friends, family, and bloggers alike, but I’d always had a bit of an aversion to ‘own brand’ products under the assumption that although cheap, they would not be cheerful. As well as combination, I’ve also got pretty sensitive skin which has difficulty getting on with even Lush products, so I was actually taking quite a risk. All of the products I’m about to mention are branded as suitable for normal to dry skin, although they work perfectly for me.

The first product I bought was the Radiance Moisture Cream, and it’s the only moisturiser I’ve ever bought that people have noticed, and decided to mention, on appearance alone. I kid you not when I say words like ‘radiant’ and ‘glowing’ have been used multiple times to describe my face using this stuff. This is because there’s a tonne of light-reflecting pigments in it, which can seem almost sparkly in a certain light. Under makeup however, I find it acts a fresh and healthy-looking backdrop to whatever you place on top of it. It’s got a thick-ish consistency which stands in peaks if I dab it around my face, but a little goes a long way and it only takes a minute or so to sink in. Also, SPF 15 – fab.

The Moisturising Day Cream is great too; quite a bit thicker but again spreads further than you’d think. Despite being branded a day cream, I like to use it before bed (although the range includes a similar-looking night cream which I have yet to try). This moisturiser has the same fruity, floral scent of the Radiance Moisture Cream, but stronger, however both of them do have a slightly suncream-esque background smell which doesn’t bother me – that’ll be the SPF.

And finally the perfect accompaniment to the aforementioned products, the Gentle Oatmeal Exfoliator. If you try to avoid products with too many beads and such in them, this is not for you. It’s jam-packed with oatmeal and walnut shell granules, giving it a very chunky consistency and the most beautiful, organic scent. In fact, it kind of reminds me of the face masks you might make at a sleepover when you were 12. This. Stuff. Is. So. Good. Somehow it exfoliates deep enough around my nose to eliminate my blackheads, while at the same time gently cleansing my cheeks and forehead. My face is left with a smooth and even consistency; there’s no dry patches or tight shiny areas, and there definitely weren’t any rashes as I’d expected there might be. In conjunction with either moisturiser, my skin is flipping excellent, I’m not gonna lie to you.

The best thing? They're £2.99 each. Wooooooooo! 10 out of 10 to all three products. The range also includes an eye cream, body butter, face mask, and hair oil which I cannot wait to try.

Word of advice though, don't moisturise and then put your contact lenses in. Just take my word for it.

The Monthly Wishlist | March 2017

1. Enamel pins $12.00 / £9
My love of enamel pins sprouted quite a few months ago from the Instagram of @sighh.co, and I've got a feeling it won't be going anywhere fast. I've recently started following @kategabrielle on Instagram too, and oh my, I am telling you now, she's got a tonne of hilarious and relatable pins to die for. They range from feminism to Jurassic Park to presidential candidates and I guarantee you won't be disappointed if you give her link a click. There's loads of patches and prints on there too - you'll love it, I promise.

2. Pigma Micron Fineliners £8.50
As the brand new keeper of a brand new bullet journal, I really need to get myself some of these bad boys. I've got the Leuchtturm 1917 notebook with dotted pages, and fineliners are essential to fitting all the information you need in the space you've got. Of course there's the Muji fineliner pens and Paperchase do a pretty good set of coloured ones too, but Microns have always had my heart. I'm gonna take this opportunity to recommend the Pilot V-Ball Rollerball (0.5mm), because it's proper good and I thought you should know.

3. ASOS Short Sleeve Oversized Stripe Top £18.00
Hi, my name's Holly, and I'm addicted to stripes, ASOS, and baggy tops. What you're looking at is essentially my dream t-shirt. I plan on purchasing at least three.

4. Divide by Ed Sheeran (Deluxe Edition) £11.99
Because I don't live under a rock, I know our mate Ed has an album coming out tomorrow. I've always had deluxe versions of his albums, and don't plan on stopping now. As well as being the nation's resident ginger and just downright incredible, his music speaks to everyone and everyone can speak through his music.

5. Starbucks' 3 Region Blend Whole Bean Coffee £4.50
This tastes bloody magnificent! I work in Starbucks and we've been using this blend for coffee tastings as often as possible because it's sooooo delicious. The '3 regions' are South America, Africa, and Asia/Pacific; it's a medium roast, so it's not too strong, and tastes quite citrusy. It's smooth, and rich, and bold, and tastes really good with lemon drizzle cake. And the packaging is crazy pretty. So win-win.

6. Kat Von D Tattoo Liner liquid eyeliner and Immortal Lash 24 Hour mascara £18.00 / £16.00
Both of these products are re-purchases, and I can honestly say, hand-on-heart, that I have found my perfect duo. The Tattoo Liner is the reason I can finally do a cat eye, thanks to the felt-tip pen nib, staying power, and blacker-than-black colour - a combo I've found mutually exclusive in many other eyeliners. Alongside this, the Immortal Lash mascara is absolutely ah-may-zing. I've always preferred my eyelashes to look splayed and fluttery, and the Kat Von D one does this as well as thicken my lashes just the right amount. No matter how many layers I put on, I find it just doesn't go clumpy. Also, true to form, it lasts ages (but I can still get it off with a makeup wipe).

I can't wait for payday this month, it's been a looooooong time coming. I can't wait to chill out in my new t-shirt, wearing new makeup and badges, while doodling away in my bullet journal, sipping 3 Region Blend coffee and listening to Ed Sheeran.

The Banging Book Club | February: Nina is Not Ok

 * THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS *

(TRIGGER WARNING: alcohol, sexual abuse, domestic abuse)

Alright so as I've mentioned before, the inspiration behind our podcast is the Banging Book Club, comprised of three of my favourite YouTubers: Hannah Witton, Lucy Moon, and Leena Norms. They read both fiction and non-fiction books surrounding the topics of sex and gender, focusing on one book a month (their 2017 reading list can be found here).
I thought it'd be fun to take you along with me through the books. I'm going to divide my experience into sections - namely Before, During, and After - to give a brief and structured version of the discussions over at Holly Talks.

January's book just so happened to be Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James, which I tried to read but really couldn't - sorry. So we'll move on to February's novel, Nina is Not Ok by Shappi Khorsandi.

Before
I've read the blurb and what I can gather is that it seems like your standard YA "I'm a teenager feel sorry for me" kind of deal. There's obviously this a girl called Nina who gets really drunk and this big monumental event happens, she blacks out, and spends the rest of the book trying to piece her night back together from what her family and friends tell her. Perhaps she has sex with someone she didn't mean to? Maybe she is really really horrible to one of her friends. I swear I've read something like this where the protagonist ended up murdering someone and didn't know... Either way, I'm never usually too impressed by 'The Big Thing' that happens and am not really expecting to be blown away. Sorry Shappi.

During
Ok. Ok. This narrative definitely goes a lot deeper than I'd anticipated. Nina really is not ok, as I was forewarned. I'm on page 167 of 338 and she's got quite a massive problem with alcohol. I feel pretty bad for her actually, there's a lot of self-destructive behaviour that I can definitely relate to, and she is missing her little sister like crazy. There's this really sweet and loving side to her and I honestly believe that she is a good person. She lies to herself to keep her friends happy and wants to keep her family as close as she can. There's this massive rebellion she's going through in which she fights with alcohol and sex - but I don't think it's a phase at all. Also I 100% fancy her creative writing tutor as well, she sounds fit as hell.

After
It is now very apparent to me that this book is written to make you think about a multitude of things. Things like family, relationships, alcoholism, victim blaming, domestic abuse, self-love, and other more general issues in that vein. Nina gets help, she works out who is toxic and who is not, she grows to understand that communication is key, and she stands up to her attacker in more ways than one.

I feel like the first half of the book focuses mainly on the consequences of excessive alcohol consumption and strongly suggests that our protagonist is walking in her father's footsteps (who was an alcoholic himself and died when Nina was 9) - however her mum reaches out to her and after a bit of rehab and then continued AA meetings, she seems to gain back basic control of her life. 'The Big Thing' I earlier mentioned, it turns out, is a situation which Nina herself is too drunk to remember - she was sexually abused in an alleyway on a night out with her friends, although this isn't explored in great detail until the second half of the novel. The abuser shamelessly penetrates Nina's friendship group and continues his manipulative tirade on Zoe, who obsesses over him and is driven to illness.

This book is pretty complex. There are levels to every character, every major event, and nearly every conversation.

Here are three things I've learned from Nina is Not Ok:

1. It is important to have/create a strong network of people who support, love, and inspire you
2. The victim is called so for a reason - nothing excuses that
3. I'm jealous Nina has such a weird and wonderful little sister

Fifteen Facts

It hit me last night that my tiny little audience doesn’t really know much about me at all. So I’m going to introduce myself through fifteen things I’ve not yet mentioned on this blog.

1.     I was once very passionate about acting and wanted to perform professionally

2.     our family dog is a sand-coloured pomchi called Archie

3.     my go-to alcoholic beverage is fruit cider

4.     I now work in Starbucks, but used to work in Paperchase (best time of my life)

5.     my happy place is sat around the campfire at a Volkswagen show

6.     I graduated from the University of Essex with a high 2:1 in English Literature

7.     my signature scent is Vanillary by Lush

8.     I have suffered with depression and anxiety for around seven years

9.     for years I have wanted a Canon 500D but never been able to afford it

10.  nearly every year since I was small, my family has holiday-ed in Marmaris, Turkey

11.  I’d prefer if everything was always in lowercase, no capitals

12.  coffee-wise, I love a caramel latte made with soya milk

13.  it is very unlikely that you’ll catch me without lipbalm in my left pocket

14.  I studied Classical Civilisation in college and loved it (to my surprise)

15.  my Myers-Briggs score is ISFJ-T

As always, thank you for reading!

See you in a week or so, 

Trying to Minimise

        So when I go on holiday every year, I make a packing list. I jazz it up a bit, so I know exactly what I mean for future reference, ie. instead of writing ‘white vest’, I’ll write ‘white sheer vest’ as not to get it confused with ‘white daisy vest’. Anyway, just before my family holiday to Menorca last June I had the bright idea of making such a list with every single item of clothing I own. Deep down, I’d always wanted to make this list just because that’s the kinda gal I am, but now I sat down and actually did it. And as expected, I got bored halfway through. A million thoughts went through my head at this point:

·      how is it that I have so many clothes? when did this happen?

·      when did I last wear this? or this? or this?!

·      shit man that’s too many checked shirts for one girl

·      I don’t even like half this stuff, let alone wear it

·      why do I complain about having nothing to wear all the time? I will always have something to wear

·      I’m extremely privileged in this respect, and I am abusing my privilege only to complain about it

Alright that last one was an after-thought, but it did occur to me at some point.

       I’d heard about minimalism before and honestly hated the idea of it, or the way it is perceived in popular culture. All white walls and monochrome. That is 100% not me and knew it wasn’t going to happen, but I knew I couldn’t keep half the crap in my bedroom because it was clogging up both my physical and mental space. I went out and bought Spark Joy: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo (as well as the matching illustrated guide) and set out to rid my life of said crap. I read the first chapter, had a flick-through, understood the concept, decided only to use it only as inspo, and set to work.

       I started with my little chest of junk drawers and reduced it to one junk drawer. That was enough for a couple of months. Then I started on my clothing, as a whole, all of it. Over time I collectively either donated, passed on, or recycled a good six full bin bags of stuff. Then I moved onto the boxes under my bed, the boxes on top and underneath my wardrobe, my makeup collection, books, dvds, cds, sentimental stuff, stationery, notebooks, jewellery, bits of old toiletry sets, duplicates of anything, nail varnishes (who needs 73 pots of the stuff?), etc. etc. etc. Over the next six months I gained a lot of empty space and decided to completely re-arrange and re-decorate my room just before Christmas. It’s now what I imagined it would be, eight months into minimising. Pale pink walls, carefully selected art/photos in frames, no cluttered corkboards or memo boards, a clear windowsill, matching bedsheets, and no television on the wall with trailing wires.

     I’ve got a long way to go, mind you. My clothing collection still boasts 202 items as opposed to 243 last August, but this time I’ve included underwear, shoes, jackets and coats, hats, scarves, gloves, swimwear, pyjamas, gym gear, the works. And I can’t even remember the last time I went shopping.

       What I’m ultimately realising, is the freedom my bedroom now gives me. I am constantly driven towards self-improvement and I honestly believe my space is helping. I am inspired to read, write, letter, doodle, photoshop, constantly. It’s a feeling I think these guys explain pretty well.

The Monthly Wishlist | February 2017

Let's take a break from the fairly gloomy vibe of this blog and indulge in a cheeky bit of good old-fashioned consumerism! I'm trying to reduce my belongings down to items which are either practical, or necessary - the above of which I'm fairly certain are. So bear with me.

One.
I've tried to, but I cannot remember for the life of me where I first saw these beautiful bralettes. They're from an American brand called Lovesick who do clothing from sizes 8 to 28, which is really fucking fantastic and I am so monumentally happy that I've finally found some halterneck bralettes in my size. They actually look like they will hold and support 'ole 38F over here, so I am beyond chuffed! At $24.90 they seem quite pricey, but from what I can gather they always have offers on and throw around discount codes like there's no tomorrow.

Two.
Ah, the Oral B Pro 600 in pink. The older I get, the more I realise how important oral hygiene is and no, I cannot believe I really just said that. My boyfriend received the blue version of this for Christmas and I'll admit it I was just a wee bit jealous. It's only £24.98 in Superdrug at the minute, so sign me up!

Three.
I've had a pair of Skullcandy Hesh 2 headphones for almost five years now and the cable is getting a bit dodgy, so I'm thinking it's about time for an upgrade. I've scoured the internet to find these August EP650 Bluetooth headphones, and the price ranges from around £25 - £40, depending on colour and website. I'll be getting mine from Amazon, where the pair pictured cost £36.08.

Four.
I've grouped the books together. We've got Trumpet by Jackie Kay, and A Quiet Kind of Thunder by Sara Barnard. As you know, I'm well into the Banging Book Club, and these books are 100% to do with that. Trumpet was on last year's reading list and the BBC reviews have really really really made me want to read it, spoilers and all; and A Quiet Kind of Thunder is the novel chosen for this March's read. Obviously, your average paperback book varies from about £7 - £12.

Five.
I have recently branded myself the Pink Fairy Lump and coloured my blonde balayage pink. I need Manic Panic to keep up the look (although it's £11 for 115ml and I'm not about that life, so I'm keeping my eyes peeled for alternatives).

What are you guys buying come payday?

Fat ≠ Miserable

There I am, just having a cheeky browse on Twitter when this link to a post pops up promising me I can see pictures of celebrities now that they've lost loads of weight. Immediately I'm like "skinny Rebel Wilson?!" and click on it. I realise this is one of those slideshow things pretty quick, so I trail through 50 Cent, Zach Galifanakis, Raven Symone... where is Rebel?! I keep clicking and before long I've clicked 'Next Page' maybe thirty or forty times.

I see a lot of people who must've worked so hard for what the body they have now, and good on 'em. Seriously. But do any of them love themselves? Is weight loss acting here as a form of pressure in the industry? Or are these people doing it for themselves? Did they want to do it? Was their heart in danger? Oh the questions.

In the past I've lost three stone in less than two years through sheer willpower and exercise. I ate right and went to the gym three or four times a week. I really did feel bloody fantastic... sometimes. Really though, I felt like I wasn't enough. I didn't actually like anything about my soft and natural body. I felt so unbelievably guilty when I didn't exercise for a couple of days. It got to the point where I wouldn't even touch a jar of Nutella. It got a bit weird. As happy as I was with the way I was starting to look, I got into the whole thing because I wasn't happy in the slightest. I became obsessed.

And guess what? I wasn't ever going to be fully happy this way. So I quit the gym and I started eating chocolate again. I stopped eating meat even though I screamed what about the protein?! in my head about a million times. I gained two thirds of the weight back in a couple of months. Then I decided to try a vegan lifestyle. And only then I started to realise that I am in charge of how, why, and when, food gets to dictate my life.

Initially losing weight made me happy-ish, and exercise released those all important endorphins. But that wasn't the type of happiness I craved. What I wanted was something flexible but constant, and that is what I have now - satisfaction. For the longest time I thought as the weight dropped off, my smile would grow. It did, but my anxiety grew too.

I've learned now that fat and happy are not mutually exclusive. I can be chubby, happy, and healthy. I could do with getting some cardio in, but pshh, who couldn't?

Oh, and fuck the media.

A Personal Letter

Dear Me,
       
            You’ve been struggling recently but not wanting anyone to know. You’ve not even wanted yourself to know, really, have you? Late last year you felt so strong, and sturdy, and happy and couldn’t imagine things would dip so fast.
            Your new job gives you time off that you spend watching YouTube. You feel inspired by the members of the Banging Book Club and other friends, so decide to delve into the creative part of yourself that’s been shut down for a few years now. You feel a pull towards the style of words said by Dottie James – but when did you last write poetry? Lucy Moon makes you want to sing like her – but remember why you deleted your voice from the internet the first time. You’ve started playing with Photoshop – why? To prove what, to who? Your desire to create comes from a confused place. You want to do it because you want to have something. You want to invite people, to impress and excite them. Really, you crave attention. I’d probably say that you 80% want to be part of a creative community and 20% actually want to be creative.
           And you’re putting so much pressure on yourself, which you know you’re very prone to doing. Chill the fuck out. You don’t need to read that book by next Tuesday, you don’t need to blog every Thursday, you don’t have to watch every single video by your favourite YouTuber just so you can say you did. Pushing yourself is ok, but it’s not the only thing. You crave structure in your life. You miss working 8-5 Monday to Friday and having weekends off. Now your hours are all over the place and you’re working with a variety of very different people for very different periods of time and you’re having trouble adjusting and coping with it. No matter how often you tell yourself that it is ok to feel the way you feel, you can’t believe it. Yes, ok, you’ve understood in the past, but right now you can’t – for some reason.
           Remember you can go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. You don’t need to run to gain the approval of someone who’s not even watching the race. No-one even knows the race is happening except you. And you’re the only one in it. Make your friends and find your hobbies. Just don’t lose yourself.
           Yours faithfully, loyally, and literally,

Twenty Seventeen

I've already posted this list on my Instagram and Facebook, but I thought I'd go into more depth here. Here's what I'm going to do to ace this year:

1. Continue feeling comfy in my own skin
For the first time, maybe ever, I don't dislike myself. I don't (or very rarely) look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see. I like my hair, and my thighs, and my eyes, and my bum. I wear what the fuck I want because honestly, nobody cares! And when I realised this, I didn't care either. It's so much easier to live with. Being a size 18/20 now only really frustrates me when clothing doesn't go big enough in mainstream shops - but that isn't my fault. I am my size, and that is me, and that is all. Finished.

2. Go to America
This is actually happening! My gorgeous friend Megan and I are off on a Trek America trip to the west coast of the USA. We confirmed our flight booking earlier this week and so come the end of September I am outta England for about 3 weeks. Holy mother of GAHD I'm excited.

3. Go to Cornwall
For my boyfriend at Christmas, I bought us tickets for the entirety of Boardmasters Festival in Newquay, Cornwall. So again, not so much a resolution as something I'm really looking forward to and can tick of my 'to do' list.

4. Celebrate my five year anniversary
All sappiness aside, I'm really looking forward to celebrating five years with Dan. I can't imagine we'll do anything major and I don't expect any big or elaborate gifts, it's just nice to know that we're moving on with our lives together, ya know?

5. Explore being vegan
I've been vegan for roughly 3 months now, and honestly I love it. My head is so clear and free of guilt. But I have trouble with meal preparation and making time to eat. I tend to go straight for white toast with either Vitalite or dairy-free cream cheese. I know I'm not making good decisions, so I'm going to be kinder to my body and give it the nutrients it needs. Also gonna visit more vegan/cafes/fairs/restaurants and broaden my horizons.

6. Eat more fruits and vegetables
A way in which I can achieve number 5.

7. Take more selfies
Life's too short. Everyone loves a selfie. They make you feel good. They're handy to have if you want to change a profile picture or six.

8. Stay close to best friends
In 2016 I realised that I tend to drift away from friends until they invite me back, or I leave it too long to contact them. I've also realised those that want me around won't let me drift. Gonna try and make more of an effort this year, with the piece of mind that those who love me won't just disappear.

9. Improve lettering skills
After admiring it for the longest time and being obsessed with typography for years, I finally took the plunge and gave it a go. I'm not bad at it, and I honestly love having something at the end to look at and say "I created that". It gives me a sense of satisfaction and purpose that I haven't felt in a long time.

10. Drink more wine
Imho, people tend to look pretty cool drinking wine. I wouldn't mind looking cool every once in a while.

11. Try not to tear right ankle ligaments (again)
I've done this twice now. It fckn hurts.

12. Get more tattoos
As I write this, I have a tattoo booked for the 11th of January! I'm getting a thigh piece from Art & Soul Tattoo Studio by a lady called Ray Martha. Check her out.

13. Create more of an online presence
Blog more, tweet more, Insta more, maybe even upload to YouTube again. My friend Faye and I are starting a podcast too, so keep your ears peeled lads!

14. Read, read, read
Self-explanatory, and ties into the whole podcast thing which was inspired by the Banging Book Club. I don't read anywhere near enough for an English Literature graduate.... or for a human really.

15. Take photos and record life
Again, pretty self-explanatory. I do take lots of photos and videos but I want to do more with them. Stage a few photoshoots, make a few montages, muck about in Photoshop. Make something out of them.

16. Become more a minimalist
I got rid of a lot of stuff last year. A lot. And I want to continue to reduce my belongings. Not so that I have the bare minimum, but only so that I make use of all that I have. I don't need three mascaras, or eight empty photo frames under my bed. Five grey t-shirts? Why?

17. Give less fucks
#motto4life

18. Be impulsive
I think too much when I don't need to. Literally, yolo.

Happy New Year.