There I am, just having a cheeky browse on Twitter when this link to a post pops up promising me I can see pictures of celebrities now that they've lost loads of weight. Immediately I'm like "skinny Rebel Wilson?!" and click on it. I realise this is one of those slideshow things pretty quick, so I trail through 50 Cent, Zach Galifanakis, Raven Symone... where is Rebel?! I keep clicking and before long I've clicked 'Next Page' maybe thirty or forty times.
I see a lot of people who must've worked so hard for what the body they have now, and good on 'em. Seriously. But do any of them love themselves? Is weight loss acting here as a form of pressure in the industry? Or are these people doing it for themselves? Did they want to do it? Was their heart in danger? Oh the questions.
In the past I've lost three stone in less than two years through sheer willpower and exercise. I ate right and went to the gym three or four times a week. I really did feel bloody fantastic... sometimes. Really though, I felt like I wasn't enough. I didn't actually like anything about my soft and natural body. I felt so unbelievably guilty when I didn't exercise for a couple of days. It got to the point where I wouldn't even touch a jar of Nutella. It got a bit weird. As happy as I was with the way I was starting to look, I got into the whole thing because I wasn't happy in the slightest. I became obsessed.
And guess what? I wasn't ever going to be fully happy this way. So I quit the gym and I started eating chocolate again. I stopped eating meat even though I screamed what about the protein?! in my head about a million times. I gained two thirds of the weight back in a couple of months. Then I decided to try a vegan lifestyle. And only then I started to realise that I am in charge of how, why, and when, food gets to dictate my life.
Initially losing weight made me happy-ish, and exercise released those all important endorphins. But that wasn't the type of happiness I craved. What I wanted was something flexible but constant, and that is what I have now - satisfaction. For the longest time I thought as the weight dropped off, my smile would grow. It did, but my anxiety grew too.
I've learned now that fat and happy are not mutually exclusive. I can be chubby, happy, and healthy. I could do with getting some cardio in, but pshh, who couldn't?
Oh, and fuck the media.
Thursday, 12 January 2017
A Personal Letter
Dear Me,
You’ve been struggling recently but not wanting anyone to know. You’ve not even wanted yourself to know, really, have you? Late last year you felt so strong, and sturdy, and happy and couldn’t imagine things would dip so fast.
Your new job gives you time off that you spend watching YouTube. You feel inspired by the members of the Banging Book Club and other friends, so decide to delve into the creative part of yourself that’s been shut down for a few years now. You feel a pull towards the style of words said by Dottie James – but when did you last write poetry? Lucy Moon makes you want to sing like her – but remember why you deleted your voice from the internet the first time. You’ve started playing with Photoshop – why? To prove what, to who? Your desire to create comes from a confused place. You want to do it because you want to have something. You want to invite people, to impress and excite them. Really, you crave attention. I’d probably say that you 80% want to be part of a creative community and 20% actually want to be creative.
And you’re putting so much pressure on yourself, which you know you’re very prone to doing. Chill the fuck out. You don’t need to read that book by next Tuesday, you don’t need to blog every Thursday, you don’t have to watch every single video by your favourite YouTuber just so you can say you did. Pushing yourself is ok, but it’s not the only thing. You crave structure in your life. You miss working 8-5 Monday to Friday and having weekends off. Now your hours are all over the place and you’re working with a variety of very different people for very different periods of time and you’re having trouble adjusting and coping with it. No matter how often you tell yourself that it is ok to feel the way you feel, you can’t believe it. Yes, ok, you’ve understood in the past, but right now you can’t – for some reason.
Remember you can go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. You don’t need to run to gain the approval of someone who’s not even watching the race. No-one even knows the race is happening except you. And you’re the only one in it. Make your friends and find your hobbies. Just don’t lose yourself.
Yours faithfully, loyally, and literally,
Friday, 6 January 2017
Twenty Seventeen
1. Continue feeling comfy in my own skin
For the first time, maybe ever, I don't dislike myself. I don't (or very rarely) look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see. I like my hair, and my thighs, and my eyes, and my bum. I wear what the fuck I want because honestly, nobody cares! And when I realised this, I didn't care either. It's so much easier to live with. Being a size 18/20 now only really frustrates me when clothing doesn't go big enough in mainstream shops - but that isn't my fault. I am my size, and that is me, and that is all. Finished.
2. Go to America
This is actually happening! My gorgeous friend Megan and I are off on a Trek America trip to the west coast of the USA. We confirmed our flight booking earlier this week and so come the end of September I am outta England for about 3 weeks. Holy mother of GAHD I'm excited.
3. Go to Cornwall
For my boyfriend at Christmas, I bought us tickets for the entirety of Boardmasters Festival in Newquay, Cornwall. So again, not so much a resolution as something I'm really looking forward to and can tick of my 'to do' list.
4. Celebrate my five year anniversary
All sappiness aside, I'm really looking forward to celebrating five years with Dan. I can't imagine we'll do anything major and I don't expect any big or elaborate gifts, it's just nice to know that we're moving on with our lives together, ya know?
5. Explore being vegan
I've been vegan for roughly 3 months now, and honestly I love it. My head is so clear and free of guilt. But I have trouble with meal preparation and making time to eat. I tend to go straight for white toast with either Vitalite or dairy-free cream cheese. I know I'm not making good decisions, so I'm going to be kinder to my body and give it the nutrients it needs. Also gonna visit more vegan/cafes/fairs/restaurants and broaden my horizons.
6. Eat more fruits and vegetables
A way in which I can achieve number 5.
7. Take more selfies
Life's too short. Everyone loves a selfie. They make you feel good. They're handy to have if you want to change a profile picture or six.
8. Stay close to best friends
In 2016 I realised that I tend to drift away from friends until they invite me back, or I leave it too long to contact them. I've also realised those that want me around won't let me drift. Gonna try and make more of an effort this year, with the piece of mind that those who love me won't just disappear.
9. Improve lettering skills
After admiring it for the longest time and being obsessed with typography for years, I finally took the plunge and gave it a go. I'm not bad at it, and I honestly love having something at the end to look at and say "I created that". It gives me a sense of satisfaction and purpose that I haven't felt in a long time.
10. Drink more wine
Imho, people tend to look pretty cool drinking wine. I wouldn't mind looking cool every once in a while.
11. Try not to tear right ankle ligaments (again)
I've done this twice now. It fckn hurts.
12. Get more tattoos
As I write this, I have a tattoo booked for the 11th of January! I'm getting a thigh piece from Art & Soul Tattoo Studio by a lady called Ray Martha. Check her out.
13. Create more of an online presence
Blog more, tweet more, Insta more, maybe even upload to YouTube again. My friend Faye and I are starting a podcast too, so keep your ears peeled lads!
14. Read, read, read
Self-explanatory, and ties into the whole podcast thing which was inspired by the Banging Book Club. I don't read anywhere near enough for an English Literature graduate.... or for a human really.
15. Take photos and record life
Again, pretty self-explanatory. I do take lots of photos and videos but I want to do more with them. Stage a few photoshoots, make a few montages, muck about in Photoshop. Make something out of them.
16. Become more a minimalist
I got rid of a lot of stuff last year. A lot. And I want to continue to reduce my belongings. Not so that I have the bare minimum, but only so that I make use of all that I have. I don't need three mascaras, or eight empty photo frames under my bed. Five grey t-shirts? Why?
17. Give less fucks
#motto4life
18. Be impulsive
I think too much when I don't need to. Literally, yolo.
Happy New Year.
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